[sizhui cannot even comprehend the depths his heart had plunged at the realization that he could no longer share his every day with ike. that this would no longer be a form of heaven for him. it's not as though he never envisioned a day like this. no; it was a persistent source of anxiety for him, was bound to happen someday. and naturally, he was the one left to bear the brunt of the absence, of having to exist without who impels him to.
he should have grown accustomed to it by now... but that doesn't stem the pain, especially when the blow is always aimed to be sudden, entirely unanticipated, a shot in the dark. should he have anticipated that it would last just a year? a year with ike; a year with ranulf. a year alone; a year each war.
he watches the soap run down the drain swirled and frothing with the water.]
There isn't much to be done about it. I have been expecting this day to come for some time now.
[he says this as if it's a matter of fact, but with the somberness of his emotions lurking behind the rather unintentionally obvious façade of the impersonal. after all, it really is just how life is. he's learned to brook all kinds of pain. sizhui cannot be faulted for not fully understanding just how much ike meant to him.]
[perhaps he cannot understand soren's intense feelings for ike, but he can understand his own and it would come as no surprise that he would describe his emotions in the same extremely earnest ways too. the only difference? sizhui didn't think it would happen to him twice until it did (and now he's pushed everything down rather than ever speaking out loud). something soren has far less trouble doing in this moment.
there really isn't anything else he can do and that makes it harder— more for soren than for himself, of course, as he's not the one suffering at present. despite that, there's no hiding his own slightly awkward hesitation to respond, yet when he does, it comes without wavering.]
𝙃𝙖𝙥𝙥𝙞𝙣𝙚𝙨𝙨 𝙙𝙤𝙚𝙨𝙣'𝙩 𝙨𝙚𝙚𝙢 𝙩𝙤 𝙡𝙖𝙨𝙩 𝙛𝙤𝙧𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙧, 𝙪𝙣𝙛𝙤𝙧𝙩𝙪𝙣𝙖𝙩𝙚𝙡𝙮, 𝙣𝙤 𝙢𝙖𝙩𝙩𝙚𝙧 𝙝𝙤𝙬 𝙢𝙪𝙘𝙝 𝙬𝙚 𝙬𝙞𝙨𝙝 𝙞𝙩 𝙘𝙤𝙪𝙡𝙙. [he rises up onto all fours, shakes himself again, finally twists around and snuffles his nose around in a sugar-streaked spot, and still decides he'll wait until he returns home instead.]
[i know, he snaps but curls his tongue into a hold, for bitterness won't do either of them any good. were he still inebriated, he might have had less of a filter capped on. it's why he clung dearly to bliss whenever he was able to find it, for he understood all too well what a life without it was like. is he supposed to take solace in what he has left? what little and comparatively fragile bonds remain in this place, while they last?
he cannot bring himself to. he hurts too much. and like a wounded animal he keeps it close and quiet. soren shuts the water off and dries his hands.]
I do. [tension winds between them, the strength of their private emotions tugging undiscernible but palpable to the empathetic. soren knows that sizhui had lost someone important to him. family. he didn't know what it was like to lose that, but those who had family often treated kin like the most important part of their lives, something worth protecting and dying for without hesitation. it's probably similar to how he feels toward ike. nevertheless, it isn't the same.
throat too tight, soren fails to say anything else. not that he particularly wants to. he submits all of his focus into the task of thoroughly drying his hands, as if such a vapid act could possibly divert him from his ailing mental and emotional state.]
[pretending he isn't as fazed is the only way he'll keep from coddling soren; it's instinctive to want to protect his friends, the dragon included, except he's fully aware it won't help in this case, it'll just make things worse. (or so he believes, anyway? soren's never seemed the type to want to be babied at all.) but maybe he's wrong? maybe it'd do him some good?
regardless, now isn't the time for it, not when the wound's still so fresh.
he finishes his nosing about, directs toward soren again and gives the faintest head-bob. there are many, many things they could spend time discussing, some of which might prove decent distractions, but there's no denying the strain between them, something that's likely better left alone and-slash-or forgone entirely. sizhui's thoughts do drift though, contemplating, wondering if a time may come where talking about these emotions would be easier, even if he knows full well that he'd probably start suffocating from holding his breath first.]
𝙄 𝙤𝙪𝙜𝙝𝙩 𝙩𝙤 𝙜𝙤, 𝙩𝙝𝙚𝙣. [so why doesn't he move right away? silly emotions have him lingering still, his wolfy expression far less readable compared to what his usual demeanor would reveal, and yet— but he finally tears himself away, turning and trotting toward the door, tail twitching with mild irritation that's not at all aimed soren's way.]
[the heavy mood between them doesn't change, and soren does nothing to alter it. he doesn't want sizhui to stay. not really. he wants to be left alone again, even though he's grateful to the other monster for allowing him some respite and then giving him more than what he'd asked for. it's only as sizhui turns tail out the door that soren looks up from his hand-wiping.]
Have a good night.
[he's been around enough beast-people to detect the irritability lashing in his tail. soren can't bring himself to care about whether it's his fault or not, whether the stress comes from the subject itself or their interaction -- or rather, the lack of one. perhaps it is due to going against his desire to implore him further on his condition when he wages it might be better to just leave him and his inconsolability to suffer in private. there really isn't anything he can do to fix things, soren thinks. talking won't bring ike back. moping won't, either. nothing they can feasibly do will. he just has to press on and prepare for when the day comes again when he can be where he truly belongs.
overladen with heartache and exhaustion, soren drags himself toward the loft.]
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deferences) wrote2022-08-22 02:35 pm
no subject
he should have grown accustomed to it by now... but that doesn't stem the pain, especially when the blow is always aimed to be sudden, entirely unanticipated, a shot in the dark. should he have anticipated that it would last just a year? a year with ike; a year with ranulf. a year alone; a year each war.
he watches the soap run down the drain swirled and frothing with the water.]
There isn't much to be done about it. I have been expecting this day to come for some time now.
[he says this as if it's a matter of fact, but with the somberness of his emotions lurking behind the rather unintentionally obvious façade of the impersonal. after all, it really is just how life is. he's learned to brook all kinds of pain. sizhui cannot be faulted for not fully understanding just how much ike meant to him.]
no subject
there really isn't anything else he can do and that makes it harder— more for soren than for himself, of course, as he's not the one suffering at present. despite that, there's no hiding his own slightly awkward hesitation to respond, yet when he does, it comes without wavering.]
𝙃𝙖𝙥𝙥𝙞𝙣𝙚𝙨𝙨 𝙙𝙤𝙚𝙨𝙣'𝙩 𝙨𝙚𝙚𝙢 𝙩𝙤 𝙡𝙖𝙨𝙩 𝙛𝙤𝙧𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙧, 𝙪𝙣𝙛𝙤𝙧𝙩𝙪𝙣𝙖𝙩𝙚𝙡𝙮, 𝙣𝙤 𝙢𝙖𝙩𝙩𝙚𝙧 𝙝𝙤𝙬 𝙢𝙪𝙘𝙝 𝙬𝙚 𝙬𝙞𝙨𝙝 𝙞𝙩 𝙘𝙤𝙪𝙡𝙙. [he rises up onto all fours, shakes himself again, finally twists around and snuffles his nose around in a sugar-streaked spot, and still decides he'll wait until he returns home instead.]
𝘼𝙩 𝙡𝙚𝙖𝙨𝙩 𝙄 𝙘𝙖𝙣 𝙤𝙛𝙛𝙚𝙧 𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙨 𝙛𝙤𝙧 𝙝𝙤𝙬𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙧 𝙡𝙤𝙣𝙜 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙞𝙛 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙣𝙚𝙚𝙙 𝙖𝙣𝙮𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙚𝙡𝙨𝙚... 𝙬𝙚𝙡𝙡, 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙠𝙣𝙤𝙬 𝙝𝙤𝙬 𝙩𝙤 𝙘𝙤𝙣𝙩𝙖𝙘𝙩 𝙢𝙚.
no subject
[i know, he snaps but curls his tongue into a hold, for bitterness won't do either of them any good. were he still inebriated, he might have had less of a filter capped on. it's why he clung dearly to bliss whenever he was able to find it, for he understood all too well what a life without it was like. is he supposed to take solace in what he has left? what little and comparatively fragile bonds remain in this place, while they last?
he cannot bring himself to. he hurts too much. and like a wounded animal he keeps it close and quiet. soren shuts the water off and dries his hands.]
I do. [tension winds between them, the strength of their private emotions tugging undiscernible but palpable to the empathetic. soren knows that sizhui had lost someone important to him. family. he didn't know what it was like to lose that, but those who had family often treated kin like the most important part of their lives, something worth protecting and dying for without hesitation. it's probably similar to how he feels toward ike. nevertheless, it isn't the same.
throat too tight, soren fails to say anything else. not that he particularly wants to. he submits all of his focus into the task of thoroughly drying his hands, as if such a vapid act could possibly divert him from his ailing mental and emotional state.]
no subject
regardless, now isn't the time for it, not when the wound's still so fresh.
he finishes his nosing about, directs toward soren again and gives the faintest head-bob. there are many, many things they could spend time discussing, some of which might prove decent distractions, but there's no denying the strain between them, something that's likely better left alone and-slash-or forgone entirely. sizhui's thoughts do drift though, contemplating, wondering if a time may come where talking about these emotions would be easier, even if he knows full well that he'd probably start suffocating from holding his breath first.]
𝙄 𝙤𝙪𝙜𝙝𝙩 𝙩𝙤 𝙜𝙤, 𝙩𝙝𝙚𝙣. [so why doesn't he move right away? silly emotions have him lingering still, his wolfy expression far less readable compared to what his usual demeanor would reveal, and yet— but he finally tears himself away, turning and trotting toward the door, tail twitching with mild irritation that's not at all aimed soren's way.]
no subject
[the heavy mood between them doesn't change, and soren does nothing to alter it. he doesn't want sizhui to stay. not really. he wants to be left alone again, even though he's grateful to the other monster for allowing him some respite and then giving him more than what he'd asked for. it's only as sizhui turns tail out the door that soren looks up from his hand-wiping.]
Have a good night.
[he's been around enough beast-people to detect the irritability lashing in his tail. soren can't bring himself to care about whether it's his fault or not, whether the stress comes from the subject itself or their interaction -- or rather, the lack of one. perhaps it is due to going against his desire to implore him further on his condition when he wages it might be better to just leave him and his inconsolability to suffer in private. there really isn't anything he can do to fix things, soren thinks. talking won't bring ike back. moping won't, either. nothing they can feasibly do will. he just has to press on and prepare for when the day comes again when he can be where he truly belongs.
overladen with heartache and exhaustion, soren drags himself toward the loft.]