[those vines don't loosen nor do they tighten; they stay just as they are, securely holding soren's arms despite his struggling, and sizhui raises his other hand to take hold of soren's chin, forcing the other male to hold eye-contact.]
If something is bothering you, I want to know. Whatever it is, it's made you cry, which is not something I'm used to seeing from you.
[how is he supposed to articulate something he's scarcely able to apprehend himself? this mess of emotions that sprung out to consume him after falling from the heights of uncontrollable pleasure? this incapacity wedges yet more frustration into him, and he growls like an unreasonable animal, his pupils constricting, his head twisting away but getting nowhere.]
I hate everything. [he smolders with sobby vehemence.] Amani. My powerlessness, my losses. What Aefenglom has done to me...
[the growl catches him off-guard enough, he withdraws his hand from soren's face and plants it beside his head instead, his brow furrowed with confusion. oh... never in his life would he have imagined that it was something like that and yet there it is anyway. he wrinkles his nose, reaches with the opposite hand and pushes some hair away from his face, trying to understand what exactly he's being told.]
...I'm sorry. [because what else does he say?] Although I don't understand why you think you're powerless. [sure, they can't control when they leave these worlds, but that would make everything too easy, of course.]
[he drags a tremulous sigh from his lungs. he knows how he must look and how difficult he must be, and he despises it. his eyes fall shut once more, and the fight in him wanes as he tries to recollect himself from this overwrought and rather puerile fit.]
...It's ironic, considering how much more powerful I have become. But I am like a beast inside of an indestructible cage, unable to go where I need to, subjected to the forces that govern my prison. There is no power in an existence like this; you know this as much as I do. Moreover, my body becomes a slave to primal forces... like the one that led me to your bed in the first place.
[with some obvious reluctance, sizhui lets the vines holding soren in place loosen and withdraw, the tendrils disappearing after a couple of moments. he figures it's safe enough that the other male doesn't plan on trying to make a run for it now, not when he's worn him down so much.
his head tilts with inquisitiveness, brows knitting together when soren mentions ‘an indestructible cage’, attention downcasting afterward, his eyes eventually sinking shut. yes, he knows all too well how hard it can be to resist such primal forces... but he has accepted it as something that cannot be changed and the sooner he did so, the easier it became to let himself give in. fortunately, he's found a couple of people on amani who don't mind helping him, which is quite helpful whenever one doesn't want to sleep around with more than a handful of individuals.] I understand now and I do know how it feels. It feels exactly like you said: like we have no power over it, but we are lucky to still have our autonomy.
[the rash of defensiveness had faded to the point that soren is no longer inclined to scrabble for distance between himself and sizhui. once freed, he collapses onto his elbows and props himself up some. to further regain composure, he sighs a long breath and considers what sizhui had just said.]
To a point, [he replies with a shake of his head.] When I can control myself, maybe. I can't even make the choice to follow Ike, wherever he went. That's all I really want to do. But no, I continue to be coerced and incentivized to play sex bingo instead, because it might just save a world I'd be content to let burn.
[without the people he's come to care for in it, of course. but let him be bitterly dramatic about it.]
[while soren props himself up, sizhui leans back slightly, settling on his knees, both hands coming down to rest on his thighs. what soren says is true: they can't follow those who leave and, try as they might, there's nothing they can do to fix that little problem either.]
You have better self-control than you give yourself credit for. [another true thing, even though he's seen the way instincts have taken over soren's senses. maybe it's because he thinks he himself doesn't have nearly as good control over his own and, in his opinion, he believes he gives in far too easily, much like he'd done when soren climbed in through his window to have sex.
before he can say anything about the whole ike thing, the world burning comment catches his attention first and has his whole face scrunching like he's sucked a lemon. he shakes his head afterward, exhales a sigh then raises a hand to push damp hair off his shoulders.] There are people I wish I could follow too, but for whatever reason, we can't do that because the world won't let us leave with those we care about most.
[it doesn't matter if sizhui thinks he has self-control. it doesn't change how it feels to lose it, how many times he has when sizhui wasn't looking.
but it's true that despite how convinced he is that no one can match the intensity with which he longs to be with ike, he's not the only one who would be better off with someone else.]
It would be more effective for the Overseer's little project if she would more properly select who stays and who goes. In my case, she can bank on my draconic hormones and the ways in which we can be manipulated... but my draw to him is more natural. It needs no manipulation.
[no response is a response in and of itself; soren likely thinks he's wrong and sizhui's fine accepting that rather than sitting and trying to argue.
he huffs a wry laugh, brings his attention back to soren and,] That would make sense and it seems like the Overseer much prefers doing things that don't make sense. Unfortunately, that means taking people away from us right when we're getting used to their presence.
[his lower lip momentarily tucks between his teeth, he wrinkles his nose then exhales a sigh.] I had someone like that on Noctium. [a pause, his expression softening faintly.] Someone that I didn't need to be manipulated into being with. It was like we were soulmates.
[soren knows of sizhui's loss here in amani, but he's quite sure he hasn't heard of this someone he had been connected to in noctium. it sounds as though they were someone who could be relied upon to earn stamps with. someone the overseer could have summoned for her purposes.]
She frustrates me. Were they someone who you met in your new environment?
[they were and, as much as sizhui wishes the man could have come with him, he's also glad that he was able to go home rather than being dragged to another world where they are forced to interact with people intimately. nevertheless, it aches to talk about him, which is why sizhui's understanding where soren's coming from, probably better than a lot of the other people on amani.]
Me too. He was, someone I met on accident initially. We became close rather quickly, but that was easy because we came from similar times.
I see. [he shifts position, propping himself on his elbow to lounge more on his side.] There must have been quite a bit that you were able to relate to, which is all the more important when you find yourself far from home against your will.
[with soren relaxing further, sizhui does the same, sitting down on his rear and crisscrossing his legs, both hands resting on his knees.] There was and you're right.
The only other people I could connect with were my family and, as wonderful as they are, it was different to connect with someone I'd never known. It was... nice.
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deferences) wrote2022-08-22 02:35 pm
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If something is bothering you, I want to know. Whatever it is, it's made you cry, which is not something I'm used to seeing from you.
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I hate everything. [he smolders with sobby vehemence.] Amani. My powerlessness, my losses. What Aefenglom has done to me...
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...I'm sorry. [because what else does he say?] Although I don't understand why you think you're powerless. [sure, they can't control when they leave these worlds, but that would make everything too easy, of course.]
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...It's ironic, considering how much more powerful I have become. But I am like a beast inside of an indestructible cage, unable to go where I need to, subjected to the forces that govern my prison. There is no power in an existence like this; you know this as much as I do. Moreover, my body becomes a slave to primal forces... like the one that led me to your bed in the first place.
no subject
his head tilts with inquisitiveness, brows knitting together when soren mentions ‘an indestructible cage’, attention downcasting afterward, his eyes eventually sinking shut. yes, he knows all too well how hard it can be to resist such primal forces... but he has accepted it as something that cannot be changed and the sooner he did so, the easier it became to let himself give in. fortunately, he's found a couple of people on amani who don't mind helping him, which is quite helpful whenever one doesn't want to sleep around with more than a handful of individuals.] I understand now and I do know how it feels. It feels exactly like you said: like we have no power over it, but we are lucky to still have our autonomy.
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To a point, [he replies with a shake of his head.] When I can control myself, maybe. I can't even make the choice to follow Ike, wherever he went. That's all I really want to do. But no, I continue to be coerced and incentivized to play sex bingo instead, because it might just save a world I'd be content to let burn.
[without the people he's come to care for in it, of course. but let him be bitterly dramatic about it.]
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You have better self-control than you give yourself credit for. [another true thing, even though he's seen the way instincts have taken over soren's senses. maybe it's because he thinks he himself doesn't have nearly as good control over his own and, in his opinion, he believes he gives in far too easily, much like he'd done when soren climbed in through his window to have sex.
before he can say anything about the whole ike thing, the world burning comment catches his attention first and has his whole face scrunching like he's sucked a lemon. he shakes his head afterward, exhales a sigh then raises a hand to push damp hair off his shoulders.] There are people I wish I could follow too, but for whatever reason, we can't do that because the world won't let us leave with those we care about most.
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[it doesn't matter if sizhui thinks he has self-control. it doesn't change how it feels to lose it, how many times he has when sizhui wasn't looking.
but it's true that despite how convinced he is that no one can match the intensity with which he longs to be with ike, he's not the only one who would be better off with someone else.]
It would be more effective for the Overseer's little project if she would more properly select who stays and who goes. In my case, she can bank on my draconic hormones and the ways in which we can be manipulated... but my draw to him is more natural. It needs no manipulation.
no subject
he huffs a wry laugh, brings his attention back to soren and,] That would make sense and it seems like the Overseer much prefers doing things that don't make sense. Unfortunately, that means taking people away from us right when we're getting used to their presence.
[his lower lip momentarily tucks between his teeth, he wrinkles his nose then exhales a sigh.] I had someone like that on Noctium. [a pause, his expression softening faintly.] Someone that I didn't need to be manipulated into being with. It was like we were soulmates.
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She frustrates me. Were they someone who you met in your new environment?
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Me too. He was, someone I met on accident initially. We became close rather quickly, but that was easy because we came from similar times.
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The only other people I could connect with were my family and, as wonderful as they are, it was different to connect with someone I'd never known. It was... nice.